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The search for another reality

An Autobiography – Part 1

I had gained the certainty that an invisible power existed hidden behind the world, or at least what my perception would have me see as “the world.” I wanted to spare no effort to find out who or what this invisible power was. The outer life, including eating, drinking, working, even juvenile pleasures, seemed to be a burden, a necessary evil. It was all a nuisance to me and seldom gave me any real joy.

Given all of this, what made more sense than to apply to study psychology at the university? …After three years, I broke off my studies due to a lack of motivation. At that time, I met my first spiritual teacher at a health fair that included psychology and esotericism. He was a Moroccan and had been trained by North-African Sufis. The Sufis have developed very refined techniques for attaining states of expanded consciousness through monotonous, rhythmic movements, breathing techniques, and the repetition of certain sounds. These states were called “trances.” The possibility of attaining such states without the help of drugs appealed to me immensely. I was on a desperate search. Looking back, I have to say that I was neither conscious of what, exactly, I was searching for, nor of my desperation.
In a moment of clarity, I wrote in my diary:

“My goal is the path of salvation. The path of salvation is the path towards becoming one with God. In this life, there will be no end to the path, I am absolutely certain. The comforts and distractions are too big, the temptations too incalculable.” 

Only years later, after I had been separated from my teacher for a long time, did I recognize that my search for contact with the “supernatural” was actually a subconscious search for something totally different. It was a search to fulfill an unconscious lust for power. This misunderstanding would have serious consequences, which would only become apparent much later on.

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